oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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