she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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