Will you blow on my dice?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
