I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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