Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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