He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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