I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
