How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
