My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
