If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
