those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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