Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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