i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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