If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
