So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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