did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
