I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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