youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
