We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
