Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Boobs are out for the taking
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
