you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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