There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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