Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
as a side note pls kill me
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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