So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
