True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
