i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
