I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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