I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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