Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
