u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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