next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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