WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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