i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
