i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
