my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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