Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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