Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
