Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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