How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
