It was confusing and full of hummus
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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