I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize