Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
