foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Sober January is a disaster.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
