Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
