Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
