Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
