DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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