Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
