I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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