mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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