i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
