What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
