dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
there is glitter all over my balls
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