Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
