I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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