Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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