My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Randomize
