god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
